Shadowrun Pub
Shadowrun RPG => Stories of the Shadows => Topic started by: Zone on February 09, 2007, 10:27:19 AM
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more to come later... As always, opinion and critiques welcome.
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Nice story. I look forward to hearing more about Barge and Little Red :)
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Yeah, that was bad-ass. Are we going to get to read more about them anytime soon?
I wouldn't mind knowing a little more about Red or Barge sometime soon.
-kv
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That's a really good story :)
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Its just one scene in a much longer work. A work in progress.
Once I have it done, I'm planning on creating (having created ) a site for the whole novel. I'll give you guys the password when its up.
In the mean time, I'll change this scene out when I have something new to show you...
I love Barge. He's a great support character. Wait until you meet his cousin....
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That's awesome
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Something about Sublime playing in my ear that made that story even better, or perhaps it was just that good to begin with, but I enjoyed it!
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I believe it was that damn good to begin with, ;D
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Aw , shucks. ;)
Now I have to finish up the next excerpt for y'all.
Let me know if there are crits as well. Is this something about on par with SR novels that you've actually purchsed?
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For the most part, it depends on what author you read from. Some read like children's and some I have to read with a dictionary next to me. But I much prefer something with your simplicity...
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I'm not a big fan of pedantics, so I like your easy style of writing.
No critic here- and I can be pretty critical of things I don't like.
-kv
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Hey Zone when are you gonna finish your nexy excerpt? ;)
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I'll see if I can manage something this weekend...
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Okay, go back to the OP - it is now different. Crane is an elf sami.
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Pretty good...
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So this is backstory, from before little Red saves Barge?
Or does the guy just get kidnapped a lot? ;D
-kv
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It was good it had me entertained...lol.
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Backstory Kid. You generally only get one chance to kidnap Barge...
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Yeah, it was just a funny thought that occured to me, that maybe Barge is just a walking kidnap victim or something. ;D It would be kind of ironic, to have one set of friends spring you, only to be kidnapped by someone else.
-kv
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Go . New Except in the OP slot ;)
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That was great...I take it she was a weasel shaman?
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I like the way the vision scene is done. With my own writing, I tend to over-detail, which slows the reading down to boring. But your style flows right on through. I won't say that you skip details, because your story seems richer without them. It keeps magic (and magic herbs) mysterious and lets the imagination go.
In addition, it seems real. Red just accepts what Standing in Wind Woman can do. It's a trait of hers, no big deal. But it's refreshing to see that magic is still news to some people.
Well done, I say. Worthy of a professionally published novel.
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Yeah, it's incredibly well written. I know of several books off the top of my head that aren't that well written. Have you submitted anything to be published? I mean, WizKids still publishes the stories as text in thier books. I'm betting they could use something awesome like that without too much trouble or fuss.
-kv
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Thanks for the ego boost guys. I once looked into getting this story published, but they have a very mapped out do and don't and where they want things to go in their world. Basically it seems like a closed set. So probably I'll just web publish this when its done and let a few folks in to read it. I'll let you know when tickets become availble ;D
BTW the weasle is Ray's animal guide, not Stands in the Wind's - she's one of the bird shamans but I haven't decided which. And the Cheyenne language used really is Cheynne.
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That's impressive... I've never actually learned a new language to write something... although I do usually do accents of characters in my games.
-kv
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Notice I don't try any complex sentences, just names and short direction ;)
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I dabble in languages for fun. Although I usually don't commit to learning all of it.
Usually dead/obscure languages have more appeal to me.
I can read/write Runic alphabet (based on traditional Celtic druidic runes.)
Read/Write/ somewhat speak Gargish (created language based on an Arabic font script.)
Both of those I learned from the Ultima Series of videogames.
I also know some Spanish, Russian, Japanese, Esperanto, and Italian. Mostly common phrases, basic sentence structure. I need more vocabulary and memorization.
And like three words in Klingon. I can't pronounce them, but I recognize them when I here them, which is like never.
And all that knowledge makes it confusing to learn an actual language. . . ::)
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New excerpt....
For my own amusement, for writing or general knowlege I have looked into Russian, Cheyenne, Italian, Hebrew, Spanish, and Cantonese among others, and I think I now can say shit in about 7 different languages...
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I tried to learn chinese, but I didn't have the time to put into it to really learn the nuances, so I got frustrated with it.
I've learned bits of spanish, russian, french, itallian, german, samoan, tongan, maori, and portugese. Mostly for my own entertainment, but at one point I spoke tongan, samoan, and spanish well enough to communicate in them. Not so anymore, but it was fun while it lasted.
I love the new excerpt- I wish my dates would go that well!
My fiance freaks out every time we get in a gunfight!
-kv
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I would imagine chinese would be hard to learn, Is it?
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I can read/write Runic alphabet (based on traditional Celtic druidic runes.)
That would be Ogham, correct? I picked that up while researching for my Ars Magica saga in Ireland.
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I liked that one the best...it looks like Red found his perfect lady...
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I can read/write Runic alphabet (based on traditional Celtic druidic runes.)
That would be Ogham, correct? I picked that up while researching for my Ars Magica saga in Ireland.
Yes, that would be one name for it.
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I would imagine chinese would be hard to learn, Is it?
Damn difficult. Its tonal so the word yi can mean 14 different things depending on how you pronounce it. If you're going to learn a language its easier if it isn't a tonal language for damn sure.
Lily is cool isn't she? I think I'll be letting her have a boyfriend; I like the whole Cheyenne/Cantonese connection...
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For difficult languages look no further than Papua New Guinea. It has about 800+ langauges Info (http://www.pnglanguages.org/pacific/png/index.asp)
Much to learn. All different.
And Navajo. I've heard that if you weren't born learning Navajo, you could never learn it. . . It is both tonal, logic-parsed, and has contextual grammar. One phrase could have about 200 meanings depending if you raised your voice, lowered it, dragged a vowel, whatever. Needless to say, I have no knowledge in it.
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And about your latest Excerpt. Very nice. Kinda a shame how even love can be dangerous in the sixth world. . .
At least Red and Lily seemed to hit it off. Good luck to them!
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yes I think Lily is cool. You should hook her up wit a man, lol 8)
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New post.
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Wait... so who is Ray?
-kv
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He's the same guy we took to see the shaman last excerpt. The older more world weary partner.
I'm sorry about any confusion. It is tough reading out of sequence like this but I'm posting the bits that I'm polishing/editing at the moment. When its done I promise it'll make a lot of sense.
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Well that was good, but short.
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Cookie fortunes are short, my stuff is concise ;)
Try the new offering...
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I like Ray as a character. Is he the gruff older Shadowrunner type? Or the type who just survives at any cost?
-kv
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A bit of both. He's mid to late thirties, ex military, ex lonestar, no alligiences...unless he calls you friend - then he walks through blood to back you. Red's a bit more idealistic but he has the same loyalty gene.
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More at the top....
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Interesting Social dynamics. . . Red and Spyder don't get along too well. It will be interesting to see if they grown together or come to blows. . .
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Ah, but he backs her in yet another situation with the team. Dynamics are everything for the stressed out runner team...
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Sorry this has fallen off. I hope to get writing again once the at home computer is up and running. We're planning on trading in the old hardware and doing a big update soon, then Red and Ray will ride again.
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Trying to get going again - new post
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I like your description of his situational awareness- you manage to cover all the angles and make Red sound like a pro, rather than like you're quoting some TV show about military ops.
I also like the mom-n-pop food place description. I've eaten in many storefronts like that.
-kv
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Thanks :) The grungy diner is based on a true rat trap...
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Sorry about the long hiatus. There's a snappy newly edited post in the op slot if anyone is interested.
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The first post for this thread? All I see is the one with Red saving the troll strapped to a gurney.
I seem to remember reading that one before. Are the new excerpts in another thread? I remember that it doesn't pop up as a new post, because you edit the old post to remove the old one and put up the new one.
Links for us peoples?
-kv
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Yeah that's it. I just cut it down and tweaked it a bit to have it read snappier. Its a fight scene and I didn't want it to drag. Apologies for posting a repeat. Writers are weird when it comes to editing :)
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Oh, okay, I thought I had just lost the thread.
Okay, the intro for Red sneaking around is different too, isn't it? I don't remember him getting garoutted before, but it has been a while since I read it.
-kv
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I just wanted him to be the super physad that he ought to be but not untouchable. He takes his ouchies like a man and still wins in the end ;) I'll now go post a new one in the OP slot...
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New scene in the OP slot if anyone ins interested.
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This is cool- I like how you get to see the interaction between characters- Red and his contact, Red and his co-runners. Very slight differences in the way he talks with each group, but very cool.
-kv
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Is that bad? Doesn't everyone have their pro persona who is different from their at home persona. I know at work I speak to strangers very differently than I deal with friends.
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No, it's awesome- it's just something you don't see a lot of writers do. Usually heroes are pretty one-dimensional, and they're pursuing something so single-mindedly that they don't have room for anything else.
It was a clever bit of writing, and I just wanted to compliment you on it.
-kv
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Aw, shucks. Now I'll have to get on the ball and get another bit up for you.... :)
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The rest of the story is secret 8)